Walmartisnacht
The ancient pagan holiday celebrating the final markdowns and clearance of billions of winter seasonal items.

Cast
CARLA SAGAN: Plastic enhanced Celebrator of Science and Lust
CHICKEN HAWKINGS: Asstro physicist and lover of scouts
MOTHY: Milk obsessed store greeter/clerk
MISSY: Valley girl and Walmart employee

Walmartisnacht stage
Left to right: Carla Sagan, Mothy, Chicken Hawkings

Script by Bruce Conkle and Marne Lucas


Scene 1. WALMARTISNACHT- EVE APRIL 30
Act 1
Lights/Stage set: Cosmos backdrop lit with black light.

Carla:
MAY DAY! MAY DAY! MAY DAY!
I am Doctor Carla Sagan and this is my colleague, Dr. Chicken Hawkings.
Welcome to our Whore-Lo Labor Pains Day gathering!
(Gesturing towards backdrop)

Chicken:
Good evening Portland! Good to see such a big den of Webelos tonight. Hey! And hello my dear doctor Carla Sagan, You sexy dog! Woof!
Would you care to accompany me in the back aisle where things seem to be half off and a bit out of season, maybe you can lift your skirt up over your round arse? And I can show you where the big chocolate bunny hides during the off season.

Carla:
Chicken Hawkings! I would love to take a sin spin on your chariot of pagan pleasure! Isn't the cosmos beautiful, there are billions and billions of sperm, making their wiggly way to the wonderful, giant, pastel, Easter Egg!

Chicken:
Son of a b-b-bitch! That's billions and billions of stars, not sperm… believe me, I know a handful of sperm when I see it.
Hey there Whore-Lo people! Does the pope, um; does a bear shit in the woods? I think so!
I am the true ass man, astro ass physicist of all things young and boyish.
Look at all those Boy Scouts out there tonight; it's a scout's honor to be here with all of you!
Love those knots. Yee haw!

Carla:
Stabbity!

Chicken:
Man, it is getting warm up here.

Carla:
Last night we whore-shipped the abundant aisles in observance of Walmartisnacht: the ancient pagan holiday celebrating the final markdowns and clearance of billions of winter seasonal items, found here at Walmart.

Chicken:
Tell it like it is, Den Mother!

Carla:
It is celebrated on Walmartisnacht Eve, April 30th, the eve of May Day. There is much break-dancing in the aisles and billions and billions of chocolate Santas and bunnies are marked down. Dirty deeds done dirt cheep, like the marshmallow peeps that mysteriously found their way into our trolley!

Act 2. Walmartisnacht Eve
Lights/Stage: lights up to reveal Walmart Interior- wide angle image of store aisles.

Mothy:
Welcome to Walmartisnacht! Official Walmart Witches Sabbath sports drink bottles, free for the first 150 customers!
Pagan supplies and complimentary mead on aisle thirteen.
Halloween and Walmartisnacht decorations can be found in the sporting goods pavilion.
Our halftime booty dance troupe 'The Solid Gourd Damsels' shake it like a hemorrhoid-infested French poodle, every hour on the hour, at the Homeland Security Center Stage!!
Can I help you today to enjoy your shopping experiences here good peoples?

Chicken:
Sure thing Mothy, get me a f**king cart, and stuff that bitch with pillows and bling!
Maybe I can show you where the chocolate bunny hides, Boy Scout.
Get that eff'ing inflatable Goblin out of my way, warlock!

Carla:
May Day brings us the arrival of plastic lawn furniture, Barbecue grills and fishing tackle; all made in China!
At the stroke of midnight, Chicken Hawkings and I made love on a sturdy chaise lounge in the parking lot of Walmart; true to the pagan tradition of ringing in the spring bling.

Chicken:
Bling

Carla:
Plastics are part of the cosmos- billions and billions of PVC atoms make up so many of the things that I love: for example, plastic jelly sandals, plastic Easter grass and plastic anal beads.

Chicken:
Bling bling


Missy walks up in a Walmart uniform.

Chicken:
Excuse me missy, It is getting late. What time does this hellish place close down for the evening anyways?

Missy:
Dude and dudette, Our drawers are, like, always open here.

Carla:
Spank me! Just like the brothels in soho!

Missy:
Well, down at corporate, they had decided, like, to stay open twenty four seven, until, like, you know, the apocalypse, dude. But now, the suits are all like, thinking that all the hordes will, like probably be thirsty, you know?

Chicken:
I see.

Missy:
So like, now there is this new plan to make like, a huge freaking express lane, for the next era, where the horsemen can ride through, and get big gulps and like, beer, and smokes, and gator-aid, you know dude, crap like that.

Carla:
I would think that any self respecting demonic hoard would shop at Walmart already, and avoid the smaller independent stores, with their pathetic little parking spaces.

You know, there are even some naysayers claiming that Walmart and demons are responsible for putting the quaint little mom and pop establishments out of business.

Missy:
Well, we do have, like lower prices? And more stuff? Dudes, Everyone loves walmart, and that is true like all year long I can assure you. Like, just look at that monstrosity of a parking lot.

Carla:
Stabbity!

Missy:
Let me tell you, that summon a bits gets packed full every dam day of the year, not like, just on Christmas, like church, and on Walmartisnacht!
If anything, like, its the smaller stores stealing the profits from dear sweet Sam Walton, patron father of all things good, and like, Wall Marty.


Chicken:
Have you ever noticed that people just love to watch a killer whale eating a baby seal, and always enjoy it when a tiger eats an antelope.

Missy:
You are so right!

Chicken:
And the overgrown American eagle swallowing a Norwegian rat in one gulp and shitting out the bones over a Jewish cemetery is a perennial favorite.

Missy:
Like, totally.

Chicken:
The barracuda munching a penguin, and especially the shark attacking a lonely surfer is all m-f all right with these do-do armchair dildo quarterback duckling philosophers.

Missy:
Yeah!

Chicken:
So here they are, always rooting for the big fish to eat the little fish. Idiots. But then when Walmart comes to town they cry foul play, but they all gladly shop here to save a few pennies anyway, freaking hypocrites.

Missy:
Yippy, I am saving pennies so I can buy more like, plastic junk!

Chicken:
You ask me why they do this? Walmart is the big fish they have rooted for their whole lives. Un eff-ing believable.
Viva la Walmart!

Missy:
Viva la Walmart!

Carla:
Oooh Chicken, you're so aggressive! I like it when you get billions and billions of ideas in your paralyzed head! Give me a face ride, you hot stud on wheels!

Chicken:
Spin my chrome rims bee-yatch! 1-4-3 my hot little porno science witch, bring the chocolate Santa and the telescope; let's drag, baby!

Carla:
Oh Master Chicken Hawkings, I've got billions of ways to make you shout at the devil!

Peeling out sfx- Carla and Chicken leave

Mothy:
My milkshake is better than yours….

The Milky Way, Milk of Fag-nesia and Nest-lee Dick, on special in the Dairy Maze. Enter at your own risk, Bovine growth hormone safety levels not yet determined, come in me for free samples my sweet little guinea pigs.

Not to worry folks, we have Milk, milk, lemonade, milky tea, turn the corner, meatballs on Aisle 5, did i say milk? Milky Tea. Lemonade. Milk. Honey chest? Did I just say honey chest? Milk, Chest milk. Milk Milk

Carla:
Did he just say honey chest?

Chicken:
I think he just said honey chest.

Mothy:
Save now on tender Beef Tenderloin Tenders, in the Cow Cadaver Cooler, next to the Mercury Mermaid Seafood Center.
Also, Now on Special, Cream of mad botulism swirl on a fried up pancake fatty waffle thingy, all on a stick!

Missy:
Hey Mothy dude, like, what if they are right about this screwing in the aisles thing?

Mothy:
Errr, i should be setting out more, um, plastic anal beads and lawn chairs, there is always a huge run on them this time of year it seems...

Missy:
Chill out dude. Like, what's the big deal, worker bee?

Mothy:
I am working 3 days a week and will qualify for benefits in 2 years if i never get sick... but then again it is Walmartisnacht.

Missy:
Like, duh.

Mothy:
And you do have a very good point about screwing in the aisles....

Missy:
Show me this milky milk you talk so much about, lover boy!

Mothy:
Hubba hubba! You can punch my time card any time missy!

Carla:
Tell it like it is Milky Dude!
Right On!

Missy:
Mandatory holiday break time dude, hop on that Xerox machine, and like, make me a Walmartisnacht card!

Carla and Chicken enter

Missy:
Ass trinkets for everyone!

Mothy:
Tender Milky Tenders!

Missy:
Did you just say Honey Chest?

Mothy:
I say Super size me Missy!

Missy:
Now your talking, milky tooth dude.

Carla:
Screw work tonight. I want every one to go and ring in Walmartisnacht all proper like, with your feet in the air and a comfy American flag pillow propped under your arse!

Chicken:
It's a small world after all!

All:
Happy Walmartisnacht! Truly the celebration of the Whore-Lo Labor of Lovers and Poopet Lovers anarcho Labor Lost May Day Terrorist Puppeteer Social Plastic Anal Brigade, and bling fest!

Chicken:
Buying stuff from China is bad, MMM'kay?


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A Blinglab Production

Walmartisnacht was originally written and performed for The Orlo May Day Puppet Festival


bruce conkle - miscellaneous
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also known as Walmartsnacht ~
the modern day united states of america version Walpurgasnacht